Midnight in Manitoba

Interestingly enough...I started writing as a therapeutic means to an end. To keep the insanity from creeping in, and poisoning my mind with insecurity and inability.

Today however, I write to keep myself from dwelling on things that cannot be. Is it wrong to want things that you can never have? Or to covet a person or a relationship? I was always taught that to dream was acceptable, but to want something that I cannot have, was immoral. I am immoral...I have figured out that much. I want things I cannot have...can never have, and yet I still do the actions that will lead me down a road to heartbreak and havoc. I cannot help myself it seems. Every little action I take, takes me closer to what I need, and yet further away from what I want. Should a person prohibit an action because society does not see the issue...in the same light as said person?

At what point does doing what is right to your heart make sense and become acceptable? At what point are you supposed to live in continued dissatisfaction, rather than trying to make life what you can...making life what you need...making life what you desire? I know not the answers to these questions, I simply know that I do not know.

When sleep deserts me, I lend myself to channel surfing, only to find myself watching everything and nothing at the same time. I think a person stares at a television most often to keep themselves from thinking, because with thinking, there is often self-doubt attached. However, we tend to forget about the good that comes with being alone with our thoughts. Late at night, is when we are our most creative...most inventive. It's also, when we are our most vulnerable selves. To admit vulnerability is something else that we as people don't like to admit.

WE ARE STRONG....at least that is what is drummed into us as children. After all, Darwin's theory of evolution may be scoffed in many religious circles, however, it's message is still abundantly clear to the children of this nation...that only the STRONG survive. If you want to make it in this life, you need to be strong. Unfortunately, they forget the message that softness brings to the table. The ability to empathize, to create friendships and to partner with people. Sure, society tries to inject these qualities into the youth of today by including things like sensitivity training, anger management and interpersonal communciation skills into the mix. However, these skills come too late in life.

Which brings me to my point...at what point are we supposed to take responsibility for our own happiness? How are we to know at such an early age...of what will make us truly happy? Are we to live out the majority of our lives...dealing with issues and decisions that were not fully formed?