Early Evening & a cold night ahead

So, today I started thinking about how strange it is to be the owner...or holder of a secret. A secret is something that can be a negative force...and in today's atomosphere, often is. However, a secret can also be a positive thing, a beautiful entity that should not be sullied by the thoughts of the outside world.

That's how I felt today, sitting across the table from, and next to people I know, and work with. People, who have no idea that I harbor a secret. A damning one at that. It's very difficult to hide this from people...but then I realized, that I don't ever let people know the real me...so how could they ever imagine that I am acting out of the ordinary for myself? Or that I am not my usual personality...when the real me rarely comes out into the open?

This secret is not something I wish to talk about in this blog...merely wanted to acknowledge it's existence. I share this secret with someone special in my life. Someone that I care about. Someone, that would never divulge my secret. Although, I gather that this secret is just as punishing on them, as it is on me. They seem sad to have to keep it, and yet do so...for the sake of me. Which is something that makes me sad, and yet happy about. That they are willing to keep my secret safe, simply because they want to do it for me.

Which leads me to wonder...is any secret worth making someone you care about so sad? Even if
by keeping it...it allows said secret to remain intact and unsullied?

I'm having problems knowing that I'm hurting someone I care about with this burden...and yet, I can't let it go. Won't...simply because it's a beautiful thing...and I don't want to lose it. By letting my secret out in the open, it cheapens it. Makes my secret into something less than what it is. So I'm torn....do I make them keep my secret? Or do I allow them to unburden themselves, and take away the only piece of happiness my secret has allowed me to have?

Most people don't bog themselves down in the mundane and ordinary. I find both of those things to be extraordinary. If you can locate the extraordinary in the mundane...you have found yourself something spectacular. They key is finding it. Most people look...but don't really see.

For example, I have a friend, that only lets people see the mundane...the ordinariness of themself. I saw something so much more in that. I saw the brilliance of their quirky personality, their ability to smile at the absurd. Their ability to see thru my forged facade. But, because most people only bother to see what you show them...most people miss this about my friend. Which is their loss really. So much talent...so much potential...so much passion for life...for adventures...and exploring. An incredible person. Which brings me back to my secret. How can I possibly burden my incredible friend with something like this? I aspire to be more like them. So self-assured.

Don't get me wrong...I am confident...but self-assurance is something you have with you always. I find that very...appealing in another human being. Because, believe it or not, it is a rare quality to have, at least rare to have it with any sort of conviction behind it.

I want them to follow their dreams...to achieve everything they reach for. If that means...revealing my secret...and leaving me to hang. I'm willing to withstand it. They deserve so much more than I am able to provide. Oh...don't mistake my meaning. They need someone who can stand behind them regardless of the consequences...I will ALWAYS do that, but they also need to do what's right for them...emotionally. I can't be selfish in what I want.

And I really want to be selfish, but their needs are greater than my own. I need to put my own wants aside and concentrate on what would be best for them. Unfortunately, as I said before...I've left that part of me behind. I want everything...their happiness...and mine. Can it be done? I don't know...but, I still have my secret. For now.