Intermission....

I had so many things I wanted to say, but now I can't...so I'm going to get them out while I can.

I have no more secrets...at least no compelling ones.

This will probably be my last entry for awhile, only because everything is still a little too fresh in my mind.

We had to say good-bye. I felt like a child drowning in the sea fromt he undertow...unable to take a breath...and yet, strangely calming too. Finally...some ability to put a stop to the madness, the insanity that had taken us both captive.

I am still a prisoner to my heart. And it hurts terribly right now, but I realized, that no one is untouchable. Heartache is something we are all susceptible to.

I sent my last message, during the late evening, promising myself I would say what I had to...and let him go.

But my dreams....they intercepted my heart...took control of my mind. I became feverish and confused early this morning. I had strange dreams....of parks, and picnics....of our children playing together, and being the best of friends. Of holidays, and adventures...of fighting and making up. I dreamt of all the things I've always wanted in my life, yet have always been just out of reach for me.

I knew the second we touched...I was in trouble. Yet...I couldn't walk away. I just wanted to taste heaven...just once while I was on this earth. And, now I can say that I have. That's all I ever asked for. I never wanted to hurt anyone...or get in anyone's way, but I'm certain some will call me selfish. Don't I deserve to taste happiness once in my lifetime? Even if it was for such a short while?

Happiness is fleeting....I'm just glad I got to hold it's hand, even if but for a moment in time.

I'm sorry I'm hurting him...but then, we are not impervious to each other's feelings...each other's pain.

I cannot actively pursue anything further...not without breaking my promise to him. The one time...I wish I had not given my word...the one time in my life I would gladly break it...is the one time I absolutely cannot. It needs to be enough for him to know...that if he asked me....I would fight to the ends of the earth for him.

But, I cannot...at least not now. He is noble, and kind, intelligent, and passionate. Everything I wanted in a partner...yet didn't know I wanted until a short-time ago. Life is not like the movies...but movies are based on life, and I have to remember, that every nuance that is romanticized about...comes from a little basis in fact.

There is love like that out there. Why did no one tell me? Was I undeserving to know the truth?

My children are young...and they will understand what their mommy must do. Everything I do...I do for them. The one thing I cannot do, is stay with someone, when I love another. They will understand that too.

Life is too short to make a compromise that large in nature. I haven't even had the pleasure that life is supposed to offer to someone like me. I don't intend to waste the rest of my days, docile, compromising, and miserable because I have no love...no REAL love in my life.

I may never find another soul as long as I live that incites me to such great heights....but I have my memories. At least I have those....

My sweet devil.....this Angel has fallen from grace...please forgive me.