Therapy and Delusions

It's a tuesday. nothing unusual in that. I had one conference call...and a major break-down.

I actually thought the sadness would go away once I said good-bye to my former life. But it seems to have amplified 1000 times. I feel like there is no happiness to be had for me. I trust nothing...and no one.

It's physically painful for me to say that. I feel in love with someone I have no business being with. Business being the operative word. I've tried a hundred times over to make that right with the world...but I seem to be incapable of doing it. Either through my own inability to follow thru....or due to his persuasivenes.. I cannot say. All I can be sure of, is that I am unable to break away. I would not say break free...I have no wish to be free of him. But I keep thinking back to a saturday night...the 31st of Sept I believe...where I cried on my best friends shoulder. I cried because I didnt know what was wrong with me. Why I was so drawn to him. It was as if I were a moth to a flame. You know there is nothing there but heartache and sorrow...yet you feel compelled to still be a part of it. Touch it....live it.

Here we are...almost 6 months later....almost hard to believe that much time has gone by. I've turned his life upside down....mine too...and I am no happier than I was back then. The type of sorrow has changed. This is true....but I can't seem to stop hurting those I love.

I am nervous...agitated...and completely scared out of my wits to continue down this path with him. With you.....I couldn't seem to keep the interest of my husband previously...what makes me think I can now? He will get tired of me...my stupid jokes...the silliness of my nature. it will eventually bore him and he will look elsewhere. After all...he found me. How can I possibly think that I have any future here?

I'm probably at my lowest point right now. it's got to get better after this. Got to. I think I am purposely sabotaging this relationship and myself. I am looking for a way out...without really thinking about it. That is how paralyzing this fear is for me...that I am not even capable of being rational when it comes to him.

The family is asleep now....just me alone with my thoughts...I hope that he is enjoying himself. One of us should. I haven't really enjoyed a single day since he left me....and that was weeks ago. I only hope that he is finding the happiness he truly deserves....because it seems I am incapable of providing that at this juncture.