Mid-Life Quandry or new life revelation?

Not too long ago, a very good friend, and someone I would like to categorize as my flip side...asked me a pointed, but sensible question. You see, I have two children from a previous marriage, and will be getting married in a few months. A second marriage for the both of us. As I am sitting closer to 40 than I am to 30 these days, I had to take a moment to reflect upon what she had asked me.

"Will you be having anymore children?" My gut reaction was one of emphatic resolve. "Hell no I'm done!", only to be tempered with a smidge of I'm not sure so I'll qualify my remark with a "But if we do, it will need to be in the next year and a half."

My Quandry is this....am I even 'THINKING' of having another child simply because I want to hold a piece of this person I am in love with and ...all things willing....going to spend the rest of my earthbound eternity with? Or is this simply a diversion for me in that it will be something that both of us don't need to acquiesce to another person's wishes regarding their upbringing and travel schedule?

Add to that...the expense a child brings, and considering we are both still under the thumbs financially to people we would rather not be, I come back to this same problem as the 'why' am I feeling so drawn to motherhood again?

Depending upon the day you catch me...usually will dictate my response. However, now I'm thinking about...."If I wait to get pregnant, it might be too late", only to have the flip side give me the "but if you get pregnant right now...you won't fit into your wedding dress!"

Having a baby would add a lot of burden to an already stressed out mommy. But then I think about the partner in this merger. This time around I would have someone wanting and willing to participate in the raising. Someone who already loves my kids as if they were his own and gets upset on their behalf. Someone who makes my house feel like a home...and is sorely missed not only by me when he is gone, but causes the repeated refrain of "when is Dad coming home?" to become a mantra around the kitchen each night until his return.

Either way...I'm lucky. I would be lucky with or without another member of my household, and my decision is still far from being formulated. However, when a woman is forced to look at her reasons for any given action, oftentimes she will either fortify her original conclusion, or be forced to reconcile her shadowed reasons with the logical mind she most certainly possesses. After all...smart, loving men don't fall in love with women who are unable to reciprocate.