Maddening Times

Guilt, Rage, Fear, Indecision, resignation.

I've gone thru the phases...

I've weighed all the options.

My heart, my body belongs to only one man.

Things are going to change rapidly, and I won't be able to control them.

I will answer your question from last night however:

I said things in haste when we first spoke of life after marriage.
I said I would never get married again.
I meant...I would never get married to someone I wasn't absolutely sure about again.

I am not opposed to marriage as a general rule.
I am opposed to getting married because people think that's how it should be.

My mind is not closed on that issue.
To be honest...I will be so thrilled that you want to be with me,
that anything additional will be above and beyond.

I just want to be able to wake up in your arms in the morning.
I don't care how I accomplish that...I just care that I get to.

I love you. Don't catch a cold while I'm gone.

Til we speak again, just know...that I haven't spent one moment of this day,
without a thought of you.

You invade my heart...my mind....my soul....and I will miss you every moment I am away.

Angel

To D...from A.....

The biting cold nips at our fingertips,
While the snow crunches beneath our feet.

We skip merrily down the walkway,
Like children on their way to school.

We smile at each other tentatively, and then more broadly.
We don’t feel the cold, as we warm each other, arm in arm.

We race to the next block, unsure of which direction to go,
Uncaring of where our steps take us, as long as we are together.

Laughter follows us where ever we go,
And our smiles are contagious to those who meet us.

The dinner hour comes and goes,
We only notice each other.

We are one. We are each the half of the other,
And love will find a way.

We haven’t traveled so far, to turn back now.
It is only our love and our passion that can determine that path.

Each night, we go to sleep, holding each other close,
Fearing, that when the light comes, the other will be gone.

Every day is a treasure, and only when the world is ready,Will we be able to walk among the mortals, and entrust them with our secret.

Fate, Karma and Cosmic Interference

I don't believe in Fate. Or Karma...or Cosmic forces.

Call me an unbeliever, an atheist...whatever you will.

I believe in everything, and I believe in nothing. But, I am slowly becoming an optomist, once again.

A lifetime ago, I felt like everything was possible. Everything was new, and I could do and handle everything. I still remember when all that changed. I remember that fateful night.
My life, my dreams, everything I had charge of...was stolen. Taken forcefully, and I had no fight in me left, to retrieve them.

I drifted after that, just floating through life, hoping that something would happen. Anything that I could discern as a positive event. I wanted that so badly, I mistook - interim- for eternal.

I lost myself...lost my drive, my direction, my control. I let others decide when/where and how. I let others decide the why....and I didn't have any voice...let alone mine own. I continued on this path...for years...pretending. My work didn't suffer, because I had separated myself into two halves...the career me was still outwardly hungry and thirsty enough to climb. My personal half...was still slipping into oblivion. No control, no say, no idea how to stop the slide.

I was doomed, or so I thought. Then, FATE, or KARMA or COSMIC INTERVENTION occurred. Whatever you call it....I was awakened from my stupor. I need to call it as it was. My drugged sleep was over. I don't believe in anything, and Yet I believe in everything. I can see that now. I have been given my power back...my drive...my dedication...my determination. My soul has come back to rest where it belongs. I no longer loan it out to be stepped on or demeaned. I have been empowered to take control of my own life, and I will no longer be held hostage by guilt or uncertainty.

I didn't get here alone. Fate didn't knock me upside the head and say...now go! She pushed me in the right direction...until I fell into the lap of another. Something so small...is helping me achieve large and dynamic feats. Things, I would not have been brave enough to do a couple of months back. Things, I should have done long ago.

Fate handed me a chance ~ a solitary chance...and I'm not about to waste it. I'm holding onto it with both hands...and seeing where she takes me. I'm finally able to close my eyes, lean back and enjoy the ride. Wherever that may take me. I'm ready. Ready for adventure. Ready for hard work. Ready for love. Whatever she throws at me, I am ready. I will not always be successful, but I will always fight for what I want.

I will fight. D - know that I will fight for you, no matter what. Where that takes us, who knows, but odds are, you'll find me there.

A