Changes...and time

Someone saved my life today. There is a song that starts out that way. I have a friend who gave me strength when I needed it most.

He saw thru the exhaustion, thru the undecidedness, and gave me the much needed support I needed.

I need a vacation...even if it is only for a day or two.

I need a vacation from this life so that I may make a step into my new one.

Time to find peace...and a little bit of myself.

Thank you for your love...and your support...and your never ending supply of good humor.

Thank God...for you.

I might see you Friday.....stranger things have happened......

Blossoms & Flowers

Today. Endless heartache and elation. I didn't think I would write again. I felt so low this morning. But I have no one else to talk to....so now I am talking to myself.

I walked into my office this morning, to realize that I had left for 2 wks, and had forgotten to remove the flowers from my office. My daisies looked so defeated and depleted. Kind of how I felt when I came in.

But then, that was this morning. It was hard for me today. I wept all day long, and had to lie about why I was crying. I share an office with a really nice guy, and he had no idea I had been crying all morning. I was REALLY quiet....and managed to take my calls utilizing a normal timbre to my voice. I really should be an actress...maybe radio is my calling?

I tried to walk away from something today....and yet I couldn't do it. I found out that I'm human today. I'm not immovable...I'm not impenetrable...I'm not above the rest of the people walking and driving to work. I think I had held myself up to being some sort of martyr..."look at me...I'm absolutely miserable, and I'm going thru the motions," I fell off my pedastle....my high horse...whatever you want to call it.

I have no high ground. And, interestingly enough...I do not wish for any. I do not wish to be looking down my nose at the mere mortals. I envy them...I crave to be like them. I want all my faults exposed...raw and open. I want to be hurt, and to feel myself bleed. I want to FEEL something again. Even this pain I am experiencing...it's something. Something grand...because I know that I CAN feel.

At what point did I lose this ability? I don't know...but I do know when I was able to get it back. I can pinpoint the exact moment that feeling returned to my body, when I floated down to earth from above and became human.

Being human. That is interesting too. The ability to desire...to feel...to crave...to want...all things I had lost, when I lost my human soul...so long ago. I was a shell of a woman...walking along the surface of the earth, like a ghost doomed to remain among the living...yet not living among them.

I awoke. I AM AWAKE.

Pain...or not....I AM ALIVE. That is something. I felt like a blossom that had been starved of water, left to wither and dry....and now...I feel like a flower, freshly cut, yet put into water, to allow a few days more to live on and provide my fragrance to those who wish to inhale it. I know my death is near...and yet, a few more days of life...seems like a wonderful trade-off.

I have wonderful things ahead of me....and I have pain to look forward to. But, either way...I have been awakened. I do not wish to sleep. I have not really slept since the discovery of myself was made. I didn't know I had certain things hidden in me. I didn't know I wasn't dead inside. Had I realized that there was a part of me, still clinging to life...I would have done things so differently. Yet...if I had, would I still have ended up at this junction? Would I still have interacted with these same people?

Would I still have fallen in love with someone who was off limits? Or, would I even have fallen in love? Probably...because, I was headed down this path, long before I crossed paths with the players. Instead of being an unhappy housewife...I may have simply been an unhappy embittered cliche of an ex-wife.

I am not and unhappy person. I am upbeat...optimistic...even naive. That used to be part of my charm. Until recently...I have been sobering, unflinching, relentless, and drastically driven. All without joy, and without warmth.

I am happy to be making my way back to me. To the person I know myself to be. To become the person I am capable of being. To be the person able to give freely of myself to someone else, confident in the fact that I won't lose myself. I'll still be me deep down.

I am determined. I am secure. And...I know that life won't crush me...not so easily this time. I have had a lot of heartache in my life...yet I've also had a lot of positive influences. INSECURITY, is not something I have the luxury of feeling. It has NO room in my life anymore.

Mmmmm. This feeling is heavenly. Empowering. You helped me...you...and getting me to write it down. Getting the negative down on paper, removes it's power over me.

You....well....I may never be able to relieve myself of your powerful influence. But then, I'd have to want to be rid of it. And I have no intention of letting you...or your influence go. At least not yet. Maybe tomorrow I'll be ready to do that.

Tomorrow is another day...ask me about it then.

A

Intermission....

I had so many things I wanted to say, but now I can't...so I'm going to get them out while I can.

I have no more secrets...at least no compelling ones.

This will probably be my last entry for awhile, only because everything is still a little too fresh in my mind.

We had to say good-bye. I felt like a child drowning in the sea fromt he undertow...unable to take a breath...and yet, strangely calming too. Finally...some ability to put a stop to the madness, the insanity that had taken us both captive.

I am still a prisoner to my heart. And it hurts terribly right now, but I realized, that no one is untouchable. Heartache is something we are all susceptible to.

I sent my last message, during the late evening, promising myself I would say what I had to...and let him go.

But my dreams....they intercepted my heart...took control of my mind. I became feverish and confused early this morning. I had strange dreams....of parks, and picnics....of our children playing together, and being the best of friends. Of holidays, and adventures...of fighting and making up. I dreamt of all the things I've always wanted in my life, yet have always been just out of reach for me.

I knew the second we touched...I was in trouble. Yet...I couldn't walk away. I just wanted to taste heaven...just once while I was on this earth. And, now I can say that I have. That's all I ever asked for. I never wanted to hurt anyone...or get in anyone's way, but I'm certain some will call me selfish. Don't I deserve to taste happiness once in my lifetime? Even if it was for such a short while?

Happiness is fleeting....I'm just glad I got to hold it's hand, even if but for a moment in time.

I'm sorry I'm hurting him...but then, we are not impervious to each other's feelings...each other's pain.

I cannot actively pursue anything further...not without breaking my promise to him. The one time...I wish I had not given my word...the one time in my life I would gladly break it...is the one time I absolutely cannot. It needs to be enough for him to know...that if he asked me....I would fight to the ends of the earth for him.

But, I cannot...at least not now. He is noble, and kind, intelligent, and passionate. Everything I wanted in a partner...yet didn't know I wanted until a short-time ago. Life is not like the movies...but movies are based on life, and I have to remember, that every nuance that is romanticized about...comes from a little basis in fact.

There is love like that out there. Why did no one tell me? Was I undeserving to know the truth?

My children are young...and they will understand what their mommy must do. Everything I do...I do for them. The one thing I cannot do, is stay with someone, when I love another. They will understand that too.

Life is too short to make a compromise that large in nature. I haven't even had the pleasure that life is supposed to offer to someone like me. I don't intend to waste the rest of my days, docile, compromising, and miserable because I have no love...no REAL love in my life.

I may never find another soul as long as I live that incites me to such great heights....but I have my memories. At least I have those....

My sweet devil.....this Angel has fallen from grace...please forgive me.

The Angel & The Devil

An Angel falls helplessly to the floor
And is gently picked up by a handsome fellow.

Her wings are torn, and robes are tattered,
Kicked out of god's graces, and stripped of his love.

She glances up and looks into his eyes...questioning his motives.
He whispers softly...that he doesn't care about her sins.

Come with me, he says...barely audible to her ears,
Come with me, and let me love you.

The fallen Angel gathers her courage,
she realizes that love is not for only the holy.

She takes his hand, unquestioning as to where he is leading them.
She follows him into the ground and comes to rest at the base of a fire.

She pauses a moment, and stares into the flames,
watching them flicker and dance.

Are you the devil, come to steal my soul? She asks,
waiting to hear his reply.

He merely kisses her lips, and holds her close,
both hearts beating in unison.

They stare into each other's eyes,
not daring to take a breath.

Both knowing that they have found together,
What they could not find, while apart.

Both knowing, that they have no want,
nor inclination, to continue living in the dark.

My Secret Transmission

This is for you. You know who you are.

You are my fire, and my wind, and the rain that cools my hot temper.

You are the stars in my sky, and the sun that sets on the horizon.

I see all these beautiful things now, as if looking at them for the first time.

I dream amazing dreams, from the simple and mundane, to the fantastical fantasy.

I work extremely hard, knowing you are doing the same, right next to me.

I sneak a glance, hoping to catch you doing the same.

I sip my drink, that you brought to me, and my thirst is sated...

But never, my hunger for you.

Friendship and Love

It's a crazy thing to realize you are in love.And it's even crazier, to realize, that you are friends.It's always the little things that get through to a person's heart. Things that may seem inconsequential to others, but mean so much to you. For example, today, in an effort to spend as much time as possible with my newly discovered love...they brought me lunch.How mundane you might say? True, however, the effort spoke volumes. We can never wait long enough to eat before kissing each other, or touching, or even just being in the other's arms. So, the fact, that they thought to stop, and pick up lunch, was a touching thing.We only have moments together...nothing but stolen moments actually. We live in different states, have different lives, and met under normal circumstances. Normal staid situations. However, we are nothing like normal, everyday people.We sit and talk, about life, and pain...happiness and joy. Children, pets, our jobs and dreams. Things that we have in common...similar tastes, and dislikes. Events that led us to this point in our careers, and our lives. Everything that normal people do. The difference is, that everytime we talk...or touch...or see each other, we fall a little more in love. The thought was improbable a mere few weeks ago...but then I realized what it was. We find each other so easy to speak with. We keep no secrets from each other...simply because we don't feel that we need to. The other won't judge, and that is so incredibly refreshing for the both of us. We found an incredible friend in each other. Someone we could really open up to, without recriminations. Someone who we can laugh with, and I really mean laugh out loud. Someone we can be sad with...because we know that they will have us smiling, or laughing our way out of our depression. Someone we can commiserate with, and someone we can scheme with.We have something that neither one of us expected, or even dreamed possible. To be friends, with someone you are madly in love with...crazy even. Respect for each other, and their wants, needs, dreams. And, most importantly, someone we know will be there for us, regardless of the decisions we make, be they sound or of poor judgement. Because what we were really looking for all along, was a friend, whom we could also love.Thinking about my wants, and my needs, only proves, that I have found someone incredibly special. I wonder, if they realize, just how important they have become to me...

Eyes of the Soul

So, today's line of thought deals with the soulfulness of eyes. A person can literally drown in the emotion seen and felt in the eyes of another. This afternoon I got the chance to look into another's eyes, I mean really look and see the person. You never realize how much can be seen of a person, but I know that if people saw mine, they'd be able to read all of my secrets, and see all of my happiness...as well as my pain.

So strange to see my feelings reflected in another's eyes. You sometimes feel like you are seeing their emotions...but I think I'm really just projecting my own feelings onto them.

I've found that one person who sees me. Sees all of me, and looks into my eyes and sees my soul bared to them. That was a frightening realization for me when that occurred. Baring everything, leaving nothing hidden. All of the skeletons there for them to view and peruse and rule judgement against. They did none of those things. They just accepted me for who I am.

Finally...I am accepted for being the person I am, and not the person someone else wants me to be. I'm in love....and in like. Not sure how it even happened, but here I am. Trapped in a situation where I am having to keep my feelings at bay.

I've become a rather good actor where that is concerned. No one even guesses at my feelings, or has any idea of how deeply I feel for them. I suspect however, that if I were to continue on this path, either I will self-destruct....or lay my soul at their feet and beg for them to take me away.

Luckily, I will be getting some distance between us, to put this into perspective. However, I'm afraid that this is not something that will just go away. These feelings are here to stay. This emotional pull is too strong....feels too right, to be anything but the real, honest to goodness emotion of love.

What do I know of love? Not much to be honest with you. In high school...and thru my first year of college...I had a boyfriend who would claim to love me, and care for me. However, the second our friends were around...he would belittle me, and bait me into anger in front of his friends. Blatantly flirt with other girls right in front of me...("Don't you have a girlfriend?" they would ask...and he would simply look over at me and say, "No...whatever gave you that idea?")

Is it any wonder why I couldn't commit myself completely to another relationship after that?

My next boyfriend...doted on me to the point of suffocation. I would get off of work...and he would be at my house waiting for me. I would return late after a college track meet...and he would be waiting at the school...everything he did...he said he did for me. I couldn't even go out for an evening with my friends...because he would show up where-ever we happened to be. I dealt with that for a year....and entire year, before my mother pointed out that I didn't love him, and that I was only going to hurt him by staying with him. So...I broke it off.

I had endless dates that went nowhere, because I never wanted to let anyone close. And then, I reached a point, where I was alone in a city I didn't know, with no close friends to speak of.

I committed myself to this one....even after the repeated cheating. Why...why would I do that? Because he said he was sorry...and I was so sure that i loved him. But then, I didn't know what love was. What it REALLY meant to love someone and be loved by someone.

I never saw the same raw emotions in his eyes....like that of my secret love. One person, knowing me so well so fast. It's scary. He knows it scares me, and for some reason...that makes it seem almost better...easier to deal with.

Seeing him, makes me smile, and when he looks at me, I find it incredibly difficult to suppress a grin. He brings out an emotion in me that is foreign, because I didn't know, that I was capable of that kind of feeling.

Happiness. It can make the worst day, seem like no big deal. It can make the sunniest day seem even brighter! Everyday I am near him, is like the sunniest day on earth to me. You would think that the more time spent with them...the less intense it would feel, but it just keeps growing. I fear that if I don't get away, I will burst from the sheer joy of just being around them!

It's all in the eyes...and how they suck you in, take your soul...and you would gladly pay the price a hundred times over, if it meant feeling the way you do when they look at you.

Early Evening & a cold night ahead

So, today I started thinking about how strange it is to be the owner...or holder of a secret. A secret is something that can be a negative force...and in today's atomosphere, often is. However, a secret can also be a positive thing, a beautiful entity that should not be sullied by the thoughts of the outside world.

That's how I felt today, sitting across the table from, and next to people I know, and work with. People, who have no idea that I harbor a secret. A damning one at that. It's very difficult to hide this from people...but then I realized, that I don't ever let people know the real me...so how could they ever imagine that I am acting out of the ordinary for myself? Or that I am not my usual personality...when the real me rarely comes out into the open?

This secret is not something I wish to talk about in this blog...merely wanted to acknowledge it's existence. I share this secret with someone special in my life. Someone that I care about. Someone, that would never divulge my secret. Although, I gather that this secret is just as punishing on them, as it is on me. They seem sad to have to keep it, and yet do so...for the sake of me. Which is something that makes me sad, and yet happy about. That they are willing to keep my secret safe, simply because they want to do it for me.

Which leads me to wonder...is any secret worth making someone you care about so sad? Even if
by keeping it...it allows said secret to remain intact and unsullied?

I'm having problems knowing that I'm hurting someone I care about with this burden...and yet, I can't let it go. Won't...simply because it's a beautiful thing...and I don't want to lose it. By letting my secret out in the open, it cheapens it. Makes my secret into something less than what it is. So I'm torn....do I make them keep my secret? Or do I allow them to unburden themselves, and take away the only piece of happiness my secret has allowed me to have?

Most people don't bog themselves down in the mundane and ordinary. I find both of those things to be extraordinary. If you can locate the extraordinary in the mundane...you have found yourself something spectacular. They key is finding it. Most people look...but don't really see.

For example, I have a friend, that only lets people see the mundane...the ordinariness of themself. I saw something so much more in that. I saw the brilliance of their quirky personality, their ability to smile at the absurd. Their ability to see thru my forged facade. But, because most people only bother to see what you show them...most people miss this about my friend. Which is their loss really. So much talent...so much potential...so much passion for life...for adventures...and exploring. An incredible person. Which brings me back to my secret. How can I possibly burden my incredible friend with something like this? I aspire to be more like them. So self-assured.

Don't get me wrong...I am confident...but self-assurance is something you have with you always. I find that very...appealing in another human being. Because, believe it or not, it is a rare quality to have, at least rare to have it with any sort of conviction behind it.

I want them to follow their dreams...to achieve everything they reach for. If that means...revealing my secret...and leaving me to hang. I'm willing to withstand it. They deserve so much more than I am able to provide. Oh...don't mistake my meaning. They need someone who can stand behind them regardless of the consequences...I will ALWAYS do that, but they also need to do what's right for them...emotionally. I can't be selfish in what I want.

And I really want to be selfish, but their needs are greater than my own. I need to put my own wants aside and concentrate on what would be best for them. Unfortunately, as I said before...I've left that part of me behind. I want everything...their happiness...and mine. Can it be done? I don't know...but, I still have my secret. For now.

Midnight in Manitoba

Interestingly enough...I started writing as a therapeutic means to an end. To keep the insanity from creeping in, and poisoning my mind with insecurity and inability.

Today however, I write to keep myself from dwelling on things that cannot be. Is it wrong to want things that you can never have? Or to covet a person or a relationship? I was always taught that to dream was acceptable, but to want something that I cannot have, was immoral. I am immoral...I have figured out that much. I want things I cannot have...can never have, and yet I still do the actions that will lead me down a road to heartbreak and havoc. I cannot help myself it seems. Every little action I take, takes me closer to what I need, and yet further away from what I want. Should a person prohibit an action because society does not see the issue...in the same light as said person?

At what point does doing what is right to your heart make sense and become acceptable? At what point are you supposed to live in continued dissatisfaction, rather than trying to make life what you can...making life what you need...making life what you desire? I know not the answers to these questions, I simply know that I do not know.

When sleep deserts me, I lend myself to channel surfing, only to find myself watching everything and nothing at the same time. I think a person stares at a television most often to keep themselves from thinking, because with thinking, there is often self-doubt attached. However, we tend to forget about the good that comes with being alone with our thoughts. Late at night, is when we are our most creative...most inventive. It's also, when we are our most vulnerable selves. To admit vulnerability is something else that we as people don't like to admit.

WE ARE STRONG....at least that is what is drummed into us as children. After all, Darwin's theory of evolution may be scoffed in many religious circles, however, it's message is still abundantly clear to the children of this nation...that only the STRONG survive. If you want to make it in this life, you need to be strong. Unfortunately, they forget the message that softness brings to the table. The ability to empathize, to create friendships and to partner with people. Sure, society tries to inject these qualities into the youth of today by including things like sensitivity training, anger management and interpersonal communciation skills into the mix. However, these skills come too late in life.

Which brings me to my point...at what point are we supposed to take responsibility for our own happiness? How are we to know at such an early age...of what will make us truly happy? Are we to live out the majority of our lives...dealing with issues and decisions that were not fully formed?