Married to my Angel in Devil's clothes...

The day finally arrived and went. It was absolutely better than I could have imagined.
So many good omens. Imagine this:

We set up 40 chairs under the covered picnic area at the park in the pouring rain.
By 1pm we were delivering the kids to a birthday party.
By 2pm, kids were back home and the four of us were getting ready for our wedding day!
2:30 pm arrives...and the rain ceases leaving a feeling of anticipation.
By 3pm everyone was dressed and ready to go, but the photographer had yet to arrive!
3:15pm...the sun peeks out and makes his appearance.
3:30pm...it's sunny and beautiful and the photographer arrives snapping shots of all of us and before you know it we make it to the park for the wedding.
at 4:15pm...a crisp and vivid rainbow makes it's appearance in the background, just to the right of the lake where we had the wedding.

3 major omens for good luck!

Dinner at the restaurant on the other side of the lake was the best part. I got to sit and say Hi to all of my friends, drink wine, eat Norwegian festival cake and kiss my new husband while all the kids ran around like crazy people.

It's a day, a devil and his fallen Angel will never forget....

Mid-Life Quandry or new life revelation?

Not too long ago, a very good friend, and someone I would like to categorize as my flip side...asked me a pointed, but sensible question. You see, I have two children from a previous marriage, and will be getting married in a few months. A second marriage for the both of us. As I am sitting closer to 40 than I am to 30 these days, I had to take a moment to reflect upon what she had asked me.

"Will you be having anymore children?" My gut reaction was one of emphatic resolve. "Hell no I'm done!", only to be tempered with a smidge of I'm not sure so I'll qualify my remark with a "But if we do, it will need to be in the next year and a half."

My Quandry is this....am I even 'THINKING' of having another child simply because I want to hold a piece of this person I am in love with and ...all things willing....going to spend the rest of my earthbound eternity with? Or is this simply a diversion for me in that it will be something that both of us don't need to acquiesce to another person's wishes regarding their upbringing and travel schedule?

Add to that...the expense a child brings, and considering we are both still under the thumbs financially to people we would rather not be, I come back to this same problem as the 'why' am I feeling so drawn to motherhood again?

Depending upon the day you catch me...usually will dictate my response. However, now I'm thinking about...."If I wait to get pregnant, it might be too late", only to have the flip side give me the "but if you get pregnant right now...you won't fit into your wedding dress!"

Having a baby would add a lot of burden to an already stressed out mommy. But then I think about the partner in this merger. This time around I would have someone wanting and willing to participate in the raising. Someone who already loves my kids as if they were his own and gets upset on their behalf. Someone who makes my house feel like a home...and is sorely missed not only by me when he is gone, but causes the repeated refrain of "when is Dad coming home?" to become a mantra around the kitchen each night until his return.

Either way...I'm lucky. I would be lucky with or without another member of my household, and my decision is still far from being formulated. However, when a woman is forced to look at her reasons for any given action, oftentimes she will either fortify her original conclusion, or be forced to reconcile her shadowed reasons with the logical mind she most certainly possesses. After all...smart, loving men don't fall in love with women who are unable to reciprocate.

What Makes a Family

I've thought about this quite a bit over the course of this weekend.

What makes a family?

Family has something to do with genes...it's true...but what makes members of the family special...are those you choose to have as part of your family....because blood is blood, and you can love someone and not like them. After all .... they are family. However - when someone chooses to love you...and chooses you for their family...that is completely different. That is much more special...because it is a choice, and the choice was theirs to make.

I had a mind blowing weekend...none of which included sex. I have never felt so close with someone as I did this weekend. Helping out with housework, without me even asking for help...was incredibly intoxicating...but even further...the little kisses deposited upon me...made me feel so connected...so special...and so loved.

THAT is what a family is all about. Love and affection, guidance and patience. We have a family now...and that is thanks to my angel in devil's disguise....

Soft Lights...Wild Nights

Sunrise...sunset.

Everyday the emotions churn..with one moment I am confident, and the next uneasy.

One thing remains true....

I absolutely did the right thing. Whether my path is forward with my devil...or whether with another is uncertain...but my path is ever forward.

Thank you my devil...for being my friend...being my confidant...and at times...being my lover.

Future Lovers

Wednesday -

Today I awoke to sunlight streaming into my bedroom. The day not
only felt brighter...sunnier...happier...but life seemed lighter. More fulfilling...more promising.

I feel like a school girl whenever I think about him...or talk with him.
He makes me excited...and nervous. And...he really loves me. He truly loves me...and I don't have to guess at that. He makes sure I know this.

I'm not certain where this will lead...or even if we will be happy. But I do know...that if you truly love someone...and have a real connection with them....there is nothing that can't be overcome.

Therapy and Delusions

It's a tuesday. nothing unusual in that. I had one conference call...and a major break-down.

I actually thought the sadness would go away once I said good-bye to my former life. But it seems to have amplified 1000 times. I feel like there is no happiness to be had for me. I trust nothing...and no one.

It's physically painful for me to say that. I feel in love with someone I have no business being with. Business being the operative word. I've tried a hundred times over to make that right with the world...but I seem to be incapable of doing it. Either through my own inability to follow thru....or due to his persuasivenes.. I cannot say. All I can be sure of, is that I am unable to break away. I would not say break free...I have no wish to be free of him. But I keep thinking back to a saturday night...the 31st of Sept I believe...where I cried on my best friends shoulder. I cried because I didnt know what was wrong with me. Why I was so drawn to him. It was as if I were a moth to a flame. You know there is nothing there but heartache and sorrow...yet you feel compelled to still be a part of it. Touch it....live it.

Here we are...almost 6 months later....almost hard to believe that much time has gone by. I've turned his life upside down....mine too...and I am no happier than I was back then. The type of sorrow has changed. This is true....but I can't seem to stop hurting those I love.

I am nervous...agitated...and completely scared out of my wits to continue down this path with him. With you.....I couldn't seem to keep the interest of my husband previously...what makes me think I can now? He will get tired of me...my stupid jokes...the silliness of my nature. it will eventually bore him and he will look elsewhere. After all...he found me. How can I possibly think that I have any future here?

I'm probably at my lowest point right now. it's got to get better after this. Got to. I think I am purposely sabotaging this relationship and myself. I am looking for a way out...without really thinking about it. That is how paralyzing this fear is for me...that I am not even capable of being rational when it comes to him.

The family is asleep now....just me alone with my thoughts...I hope that he is enjoying himself. One of us should. I haven't really enjoyed a single day since he left me....and that was weeks ago. I only hope that he is finding the happiness he truly deserves....because it seems I am incapable of providing that at this juncture.

Ring in the New Year

ES -

I'm ringing in the new year....wishing you were here.

Waiting for our lips to touch,
our hands to feel,
our hearts to beat,
and our heads to heal.

Waiting for my magnum opus,
for my grande adventure to begin.

An epiphany has been begotten,
A realization has been given life.

Someday I dream of children and laughter,
of lightness and the everafter.

I dream of you and me, locked in an embrace
unwilling to let the other go.

Unwilling to let the other half of us disappear...

Happy New year my love....may the future bring you
everything you have wished for.